I know this is a long one, but it’s important. TW: suicide.
Why did you decide to do Movember?
At a pasta night in second year, a friend pulled me aside and told me one of our other friends had just attempted suicide. Luckily he survived. There’s a rock under a tree in the woods near my house for someone who didn’t get the help they needed. It’s serious stuff and can be closer than you think.
Movember is so easy for guys to get involved in – all you have to do is grow a moustache to show your support. There are loads of people doing amazing challenges to fundraise too which can be super inspiring. So, if you feel you’re able to, you can donate either to a specific group/challenge or to the Movember organisation in general.
Recently, there has been a big movement to get guys talking about their mental health.
In reality, is this something you feel able to do?
Personally, yes. I feel like if I was struggling with something and reached out to a friend, I’m sure they would be receptive. However, that is very easy to say, it’s harder to actually take the initiative and reach out when you are struggling. It’s difficult, but there’s no shame in admitting to someone that you’re struggling, and enormous potential.
If you are concerned about a mate’s mental health, any advice for helping them open up?
Ooft, difficult one. I would say the main thing is to get them talking, and perhaps the easiest way to do that is to talk about something other than the problem, initially. Try talking about sport for example, a comfortable topic for most men. The Movember website is better and more complete than anything I can say, and specifically to this question, check out Movember Conversations and Movember SpeakEasy.
If you’re concerned about someone who you don’t know so well, think about who the best person might be to try talking to them – someone they trust. If you can convince them to go for a run, that can help because I find that people open up more on a run, well I know I do anyway. Endorphins and adrenaline and what-not. And if you’re really worried about something you’ve seen, tell someone quickly, or the police if necessary.
What are some expectations/pressures you feel as a guy? Where do you think these come from/how can we challenge them?
Big topic! You can feel these in so many different ways and they can apply to so many things, but most of them boil down to “being a man” (said in suitably deep voice). Many of the strongest-felt ones are related to women and relationships. How to act, what to say, when to say it etc. I think the main thing is being true to yourself. Apologies for being blunt, but the culture of “pulling” is horrible. Going into a night-out thinking you have to “pull” to prove you’re attractive/manly enough. The point of a night out is to have fun, but for some people the anxiety of feeling like you have to find a girl to kiss gets in the way. Just have fun. Whatever happens, happens.
You also have to develop a keen sense of when people are joking vs being sincere. What your mate says when you’re around a group of people can be very different from when you’re speaking with him alone, especially if it’s about women. It can be very hard to say things like “I didn’t find that funny, it actually struck a nerve”. Usually those type of things are best said privately and soberly, even if you just have to laugh them off in the moment. The offending person will usually realise their error and, importantly, not think any less of you as a result. They may even think more of you.
Of course there are still places for some traditionally “manly” things, like the courage to stick up for someone for example. It’s important to distinguish between doing things because they are worth doing, and doing things just for the “status” acquired from doing them. People usually chase status when they’re insecure about themselves.
Are there any expectations/pressures that come with sport/orienteering particular to guys/how to deal with these?
Yes, the most obvious one is the pressure to do more training, but to be honest I think people are very understanding about this one now. Your training should be in line with your past training, your current injury/illness/stress/life situation, and your future aspirations. No-one else’s. If you need to cut a run short, do it. The people you’re with will inevitably try and persuade you to carry on, but just take that as a compliment that they appreciate your chat.
There is obviously quite a big drinking culture at uni. Do you feel being a guy can exacerbate any challenges that come with this? How do you deal with these?
There is an age-old notion that it’s more manly to drink more, but it’s not very manly to be carried home because you are too drunk. Most people drink because it’s fun and it gives you more confidence to do things you wouldn’t normally do. But it’s bigger than that. Much of the “gossip” happens on nights-out, so to stay “in the loop” you feel like you have to be there, every time. And since most of us feel weird being sober surrounded by drunk people, you end up drinking. It’s easy to say, but if you don’t feel like a night out, don’t go. I remember in 1st year declining a Tuesday night out because I was tired after intervals and wanted to take my training seriously, despite most of the people going out having just dropped me at intervals and being much more accomplished athletes than me. But the next day everyone had forgotten. Again, see people tempting you to drink as a compliment, they appreciate your chat and want you involved. If you do end up drunk and having a bad time, go home.
As the saying goes… When the fun stops, stop.
Loneliness can pose an unexpected challenge for young people. It can be an especially confusing experience at uni when you’re surrounded by people. Any advice for dealing with this?
Loud and clear: Loneliness is not about being alone. You can feel lonely in a crowd, as you say. Loneliness is sadly increasing, with 1 in 10 people saying they don’t have any close friends. It’s easy to see how in an increasingly online and sometimes materialistic world. Humans are group animals. Good relationships with friends/family/neighbours are important for keeping us happy. At uni, you may not know the people living in the flat opposite you, for example. You see their faces, but you don’t have any kind of connection. This can lead to judgement, fear, and distrust, which separates you from them and breeds loneliness. We see differences between people (race, religion, gender, opinions and even fashion choices) and forget that we are all the “same human beings” (to quote the Dalai Lama). We are also all interdependent on one another. This is summed up best by the Zulu word Ubuntu, “I am because we are”. Try thinking about this for a second – recognise the farmer who grew your food, the lorry driver who delivered it, the shop assistant you probably tried to ignore. They’re all humans too, wanting to be happy just like you. They might have families and friends, or they might be the loneliest people in the world, just craving for someone to smile and say hello to them.
So maybe try smiling and saying hello to strangers in a corridor at uni, or strangers on the street. Some might ignore you, but others will smile and say hello back, and that makes both of your lives happier.
(I borrowed a lot of this answer from The Book of Joy. I’d highly recommend it.)
What excites you about the year ahead?
It seems like EUOC is going from strength to strength so I’m excited to see what you’ve got up your sleeve for the coming year (and of course how you get on in the races)! And personally, I’m very much looking forward to AROS ball and whenever I’m able to get back out running and orienteering.
Favourite pasta dish!?
Any that’s served at 7pm on a Wednesday, preferably after a good run beforehand and enjoyed whilst chatting to your friends. It tastes better the colder, darker and wetter the run was. If that still doesn’t answer the question, I’ll say something extra cheesy – a rare treat for a tight-budgeted student.